THINKING OF YOU

MY FAVORITE KATY PERRY TRACK SO FAR!
GLAD SHE MADE ANOTHER VIDEO OF THIS SONG!

I CAN HONESTLY SAY...
'ONE OF THE BOYS' IS MY FAVE 2008 ALBUM

I CAN HONESTLY SAY

Consider this my farewell blog, to everything, to you.

I can honestly say that for the longest time, you held a very special place in my heart. And i feel really sad, that i had to end something as special as you. It's not because, you've hurt me or anything. More of it's my fault. I became so attached to you. So i can't blame you, cause you never asked for anything more in the first place.

I kept thinking on the possibilities. But who was i kidding? Nothing more was going to happen. But i was persistent. I knew, at the back of my mind, there was no chance.. but still i held on a little piece of hope everytime we get to talk. Maybe i was expecting too much. It went on like that for quite sometime. I did try to divert my attention, but none worked.

And so, still i managed to avoid you every so often, until the feeling slowly died down. Honestly, I thought you've been avoiding me too.. hehe. Busy. Changed fone. Changed number. Those were always the reasons you kept telling me. Duh, i get it! Even if that's true, still, time's not that constrained to just work and school. Maybe i just didn't mean anything at all to you.. hehe. I just don't know. But it sure helped, I felt like for the past couple of months, the person i once knew slowly faded out into someone i don't know at all. Everything about you's been really difficult.

So i thought that if i don't see you pop out more often, maybe i'd forget. I was left thinking with that one last option.. to totally rid you out of my life. Erase every means for us to communicate. And so i started deleting. Started with your messages, then your number, then on ym, and finally here. I kept on second guessing on erasing you, cause even if it became like this, there were many times we've shared happy.. good laughs and being open bout each other. But then again i thought that this cycle just had to stop and so the hardest click i made on our pc's mouse happened last nyt 11:00pm to be exact.

Don't get mad at me please. I wanted to tell you this alot of times before but i just wasn't able to find the right timing. Anyways, I'm still your friend if you still want me to. I just want to clear myself from all the hurt, so there'd be enough space for me to breathe.

I wrote this blog entry (italized below) weeks ago. I was supposed to publish this, but it just didn't feel like the right time. But now, i'm ready to take whatever reaction i'd get from you.

By the time you'll get to read this, i know that i've finally found peace, in a comfortable place without you. So this last time, i would like to be completely honest with you.

I MISS YOU.. MORE THAN YOU OR ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW.
there's so much in you, that i've grown so fond with..

i miss how you share snippets of your life through photosharing..
i miss SEX the acronym..
i miss how you used to ask me for advises and share with me how you were feeling..
i miss how you kept telling me i was and will only be your out friend..
i miss how you used to call and the background was always noisy cause your brother was playing music..
i miss how we used to share music..
i miss how we talk nonsense for hours and joke around..
i miss how we used to call ourselves JON & MARIEL.. hehe
i miss how we planned our weddings.. palawan with the purple and black motif.. haha
i miss how you used to be so sweet and caring..
i miss how you used to assume that i missed you, when the fact is i really do
i miss the times you kept on asking me if i was already in love with you.. and i never gave you a decent answer..
i miss how you kept on calling me 'pre' even when i didn't like it..

there's so much more i miss about you.. bottomline is.. I MISS YOU.
i'm sorry if i became like this.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME.. :]

THE STORY SO FAR

It was about a year ago.
Do you remember how we first knew each other?

From the moment i saw your photo on my friend's fone, i was already attracted to you. I asked my friend if i could talk to you or at least text you. It was funny, cause all of us in the group at that time went into a frenzy when they started dialing your number using my fone. Eventually you answered, and i was too shy to talk to you, so i handed my fone to our common friend and she introduced me to you. That was it. I was able to say my demurest 'hi'. We had a very very short conversation and after that i never really expected to hear anything from you.

That afternoon, while my friends and I went on our separate ways, I remember I was in ayala at that time when you shocked me with a text. You said you wanted to get to know me better and asked for my ym id. I obliged, who wouldn't, right? I remember rushing home, well not really rushing, but i went home early from the mall to check on my ym. And you added me alright. That was the time when you and i started gaining trust from each other. I was being my usual humorous self and you were not bad at being funny yourself. I remember pretty well, you kept on saying 'ewww' on the silly jokes we've made. We even exchanged pictures and you trusted me well enough, that you allowed me to view pictures of you cross-dressing for a school related event. It was then you told me, i am the only 'out' friend that you have and you said that I will be the only one.

One, two, days gone by and you were frequently calling me on my fone and you opened up on personal matters. You even cried one time, remember? That time, i never really allowed my feelings to take over. I constantly told myself never to fall. I knew you were straight, you kept on affirming that you are plus you have your girlfriend. So i never really entertained thoughts of us together. I was trying to be a good friend and tried not to interfere with anything aside from helping you and your relationship get on the right track.

I was there though it all. You kept on trying to fix your relationship, but it just wasn't working till you finally got the strength to move on. For some people, it was an opportunity to turn things around to their advantage, but not me. I just kept on being the friend that i was. Our conversations had no more 'ewwws', and everything began to turn sweet. It was then that i realized that my feelings elevated into something both of us didn't want. You made it hard for me to avoid falling for you. So there.

Weeks, months passed. Then things started to get complicated. We already had short arguments, but it didn't really matter cause you always tried to make me feel all better. It frustrates me that you seem to have your way with me. Then doubts, questions, started sprouting. I started over-thinking again. You started to confuse me. There were times when i thought i'd finally get over you. But i don't know, you're just too hard to resist.

If i could count the times you've hurt me, it won't really matter, cause fact is, you've made me so happy more than sad. I never really told you anything about this. I know you've asked me countless number of times if i was falling for you, but never did i give you a decent answer. I just couldn't. I'm not yet ready to take the risk. I'm too afraid of losing you. Actually, i prepared something, my kind of tell-all to you, i'm just waiting for the right opportunity to give it to you.

What about now?
I still don't know what to think. I know you are already happy with and without me. We could have seen each other, when you came here, twice. But time didn't allow that to happen. Maybe that's just how it's going to be. I don't know if there are still chances for us to ever meet again. I'm not hoping anymore like i used to. I just need to stop hoping and think about myself for a change.

I need to get myself back together.

BROKEN

How could you leave me broken

I can say I erased you from my mind and never think of you
And forget about the friends we made, if thats what I need to do
I can act like the only way that you exist is in a dream
Its the only way out of my reality

I can change the channel everytime our favorite show comes on
And get mad at the radio 'cause they just played your favorite song
I could find another guy and try to love you out of my life
But it just gets harder everytime we try

Ohh thats why I'm... broken
And it's hurting me boy cuz you just left me.. broken
And because of you I dont know if I can love again
But I cant believe boy that this is the end (this is the end)
Be together once again 'cause boy I'm broken

How could you leave me broken

I can take the pictures that we took and throw them all away
And every letter that you wrote boy I want to forget what you had to say
'Cause I could never understand what you did to me on that day
That's the only part I wish I could replace

If I had a choice, baby you'd still be right here with me
And if you give me a voice, baby i'd tell you I dont want you to leave
'Cause boy I'm broken

Don't wanna feel this way again
I can find another man
I don't wanna be broken
___________________

I need to get over you... :c

JUST STAND UP [LIVE]

Thank God for cable! I was really anticipating to see the divas perform. The number gave me chills! Though it wasn't quite what i expected to see, it certainly didn't disappoint. Leann and Melissa Etheridge wasn't around but Nicole Scherzinger was. (is that how her last name's supposed to be spelled? haha!) Well anyways, here's the clip from their performance.




And oh, btw, Miley's part, still for me, didn't quite fit in. I mean, c'mon let's face it, all of them are already established divas with great voices to match but her's was just 'thru whatevah!' Haha! I'm no Miley hater, in fact, I really like her, but she just seemed to be out of place among those performers. Well maybe they needed her to catch the young audiences for the cause which is totally not a bad thing at all. :]

Anyhoo, according to lye (my dear friend).. watch out for OUR performances for Stand Up 4 AIDS! lol! just kidding! cheer-ree-yoos!

THE QUESTION

"in love ka na sa'kin noh?"


still can't find the right words for an answer.. :c

AREN'T THEY THE CUTEST?

Wall-E hearts Eva!

I really wanted to see this movie on the big screen, but sadly I didn't have the time. Good thing Jenny was able to download via torrent a clear copy of the movie and stored it on her iPod. Haha! And so, i was able to watch it while attending our review session on law (talk about multitasking.. haha).

Well anyways, as always Disney and Pixar delivered an awesome animated movie. Though the first few minutes of the movie bored me, the rest left me wanting for more. It was funny, romantic and exciting all at the same time. I really liked how the movie was able to place real emotions on the robots (Wall-e and Eva were a match made in heaven, make that universe! sooo cute!). Also, never in my life have i seen a cockroach as cute as Wall-e's buddy! haha! But no, my perspective still hasn't change, cockroaches are one of the grosses, most disgusting creatures ever! haha!

Anyhoo, i also love the song that Wall-e kept on playing. "It Only Takes A Moment", originally from Hello Dolly. So romantic. Ehem.. excerpts:

..and that is all
that love's about
and we'll recall when time runs out

that it only took a moment
to be loved a whole life long..

How i wish someone would also hold my hand while that song's being played.

MR. DREAM BOY

August 15, 2008

It was as if all the stars in the sky aligned to make this day one of the happiest days of my life.
I met, up close and personal, my super crush Jon Avila! (yeah.. he's worth blogging about. haha. ;p)

I attended my review the morning, and was texting Sandy, excited on her arrival from Manila for a weekend visit. Her first reply was that she was on the same waiting area as Jon on the airport which made me so envious. And so, after the 3rd or 4th exchange of text messages, she wasn't able to response anymore, which I'm guessing, meant she was already on board the plane. An hour later, she texted me again and exclaimed that she and Jon have boarded the same flight except that they were on different rows, but even though, it made me even more jealous. But on the other hand, it only meant one thing, Jon was in Cebu!

Lunchtime! The thought of Jon in Cebu got me so excited prompting me to text my co-diva Lionel on the sitch, just to let him know our uber crush was on the same island. Haha. What came through my mind that time, was that maybe Jon has a gig the day after at some mall like Ayala or SM. So we have to make sure that by the end of the afternoon, we know where he's going to be.

After having my usual lunch of 'chili con carne' at one of the few decent dining spots in colon, our usual lunchplace Greenwich, Janson and I decided to get our NBI Clearances which we filed days ago. And as soon as the jeepney we rode passed by the Robinson's, my heart was just flipping out like crazy! There it was, on that simple yet adorable tarpaulin, March 15, 2008 | 2:30pm | Meet and Greet Jon Avila" My hand was then moving like crazy, grabbing both my fones and texting, calling frends about it. It was like information dissemination frenzy! Haha!

When we arrived at NBI 1:30pm, I was able to convince Janson to go with me to the event, as well as Sweet who worked on a building beside the mall, and Armand, sad to say Lionel had prior commitments and was not able to make it. By 2:30 Janson and I arrived at the event, held in the supermarket! Which was a huge plus for us, because the place wasn't crowded at all. We were a tad late though, but we didn't worry much because we were still only a few steps away from my one and only love! Haha!

He was sitting near the first counter with a small desk (for autograph signing) and a bottle of mineral water. The catch was that, the fans had to purchase grocery items like tide, downy, pringles, and etc. And while i was tugging Janson, making kulit on buying pringles (alangan naman kung tide..), all of a sudden, a super kind lady heard me and offered her receipt! We kinda talked awhile, gave her my super thank yous and immediately proceeded to the information counter to have it exchanged for a numbered card which served as our ticket to meet and greet my love. Haha! And then came Armand with his never failing Nikon Camera and we snapped our way back to the booth.

And so, what else happened but our lovely time with him. It was less than 5 minutes and we had our pictures taken with him and as we moved on to give other fans their moments, he said in his accented voice "thank you guys!" Wahaha! I felt like fainting! haha! And so while I was blissfully watching him on the sides, time to time, taking his gorgeous pics, recording a short video of him singing 'Ngiti', I came to the realization that my afternoon was fulfilled. Hahaha!

After he left, we proceeded on helping Janson get his LCR at the City Health and afterwards chilled at Ayala Center and met up with Lionel. The End. Next stop, Enchong Dee!

I'm such a FANATIC! haha.. ;]

HE BLEW IT

Was there ever a chance in your life when you felt like something so simple would mean so much to you? I think all of us have had fair shares of those moments. I would have had.. days ago, but it never happened. And it never will.

Here's the story, days ago, i was really excited because after years of keeping my friendster account, it was about to achieve it's 1000th comment/testimonial. The thing was, i wanted my 1000th comment to be special, to have meaning, and i wanted someone to fill that spot. I know, the idea sounds soo silly, but then again, that's how i am. I am really easy to please.

So what happened was, when it turned 999, i became cautious, and too excited that i asked him if he could do the pleasure of filling it up for me. I was hoping, expecting. But nothing came. Not even a single letter. The day after, still nothing. No pending comments. At that point, i stopped expecting. I was hurt. Something as silly as that would have meant soo much to me. But he never did take the opportunity to make it happen. Tsk. Bummer.

Well, he had his chance and he blew it. Bigtime.

Now, someone has taken his supposed spot. And i'm fine with it. Some things are just not meant to be. I'm still talking to him. I don't want the friendship to end. But the feeling's not there anymore. I hope. Seriously, he's not that important to me anymore. I'm just trying not to care.

AND WHEN IT RAINS

..you always find an escape. just running away from all of the ones you love,
from everything.

and escape i have. I'm pretty much done with being sad. Over what happened days ago, i'm just not convinced at all that there's still a point in staying. You don't need me anymore. I know you don't miss a thing, you're not fooling me again. The next time you say something, mean it. Okay?

Goodbye.

I'M JUST NOT THAT NUMB YET

3 days after..

i did what i had to do. i pushed him away.
one moment he was asking how i was, the next "cold mo ata sakin, sige, bye..."
pero after he said bye.. my heart just wasn't able to take it. I totally lost it and tried to stop him from leaving. by the end of our 5 minute conversation, i still ended up saying "i'm sorry". Ugh!

paramore-ish - "that's what you get when you let your heart win" and i got it bad.

now i feel like i'm the one on the losing end. i felt totally defeated awhile ago. how i wish i could write everything here to give you a clear idea of what happened pero i just can't. not now at least.

a lot of things may have changed between us. burning bridges is not my intention here. i'm just at the point of trying not to cross it to get to him or letting him pass to get to me.
i'm just not that numb yet.

why do we like to hurt so much???

I CAN'T TAKE THIS BAD HABIT NO MORE

I told myself that I would make some changes but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same...

I can't seem to shake you.You seem to really have a hold on me. And everytime that we break up, we turn around and make up. Well not literally, but it seems that everytime i try to avoid, stay away, push you away.. You seem to have your way with me. I don't know how long this could go. I tried, really, but you still made your way back. I was almost at the brink of being completely honest with you, but you didn't give me that opportunity. Instead, you kept on making me think of the possibilities. I just don't know how to quit you as of the moment. You are so making it hard for me.

This can't go on now. I gotta move on now. I think, i've taken all i can take. I feel like i deserve your honesty. I don't want to play around anymore, if that's the only way you're going to take me seriously. I've just had enough of you, trying to allure me with blinding words. I'm pretty sure you have a considerable idea of how i think of you, you said it yourself. I wish for honesty, no matter how hard it might hurt me.

It's not the fact that I don't love you no more but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more. I should end this cycle. I still don't know your part of the story, but i don't think i still have something left in me to listen. I don't think having all the means of contacting you would help. I'm just tired of constantly expecting something from you. With that being said, i don't want anything to do with you anymore. I wish you well.

why are we so hardheaded when we're in love???

BREAKDOWN

had my first arc breakdown awhile ago..

it wasn't really a major breakdown, but i teared up and sobbed.. good thing si sandra lang ang nakanotice.. (THANK YOU SANDY SA PAGCOMFORT!)

i was really trying hard to force a smile, and laugh with the class when the grades for blt were handed out, pero di jud nadala ui, makadepress jud.. :c

everything bout arc for the past weeks have taken it's toll on me na, and i think with everyone else na sad jud, luya kau tan-awn mga taw pirme.. wala nai gana magpa grad pic, grad ball... coz walai sure kun makagraduate! pucha! bwisit jud nang grading systema uie!!!!!!!!!!!!

KAPOY!!! LABAD SA ULO!!!!

I made up my mind, i'm going to Korea before our final exams.. It's not like i dont care about my grades... I really really do care!!! pero i won't pass up this oppurtunity, coz in the end, i might regret a decision not to go...

ALL I NEED IS THE SUPPORT FROM EVERYONE!!!

I DONT WANT TO HEAR PEOPLE ASKING ME FOR PASALUBONG AND NOT EVEN CARING ON WISHING ME A SAFE TRIP! THE LAST TIME I BOUGHT PASALUBONGS, MY FONE GOT NABBED!

I DONT NEED PEOPLE SCARING THE HELL OUT OF ME ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GRADUATE THIS MARCH! IT IS NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!!! I AM NOT KIDDING! I MAY JOKE AROUND AND JUST SHRUGS OR LAUGH AT JOKES ABOUT ME A LOT, PERO THIS I CANT TAKE! SO PLEASE...

I WILL GRADUATE THIS MARCH!

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I'LL BE LOGGED IN SA MULTIPLY FOR THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY..

so girls (kato kuyog nako sa girls night out).. sori if ma delay ang pag upload sa pics..
to those who'll be inviting me as their contact, please wait till my birthday..

by my birthday, for sure... i will be able to attend to updating whatever there is to post on my multiply account..

till then.. :c

DRAINING

everything's sooo draining!!!

awhile ago during our am class, i was soo depressed. Super depressed. I registered very low grades from our pre-mid exams and quizzes! huhu.. :c The scores would have been ok, if the grading system wasn't changed to pressure us even more! The department's trying to stress us out to death!!! huhu.. :c

I tried to lift my spirits up kanina, by being my normal silly self, but it didn't work! And it seemed like, i wasn't the only one feeling low with how things turned out earlier. We are graduating students, and the teachers aren't really helping us. They talk about some people not graduating in the past and doing retakes, and i don't think it helps at all! If they're trying to pressure us to achieve good grades by scaring us with the possibility of not graduating, etc.. then it's not working! It just isn't!!! I hate it! From the way things are going, people are losing interest with the review!

I'm guessing next week wouldn't get any better! In fact, it might be the worst week of the sem so far... :c While majority of Cebu's feeling festive, ARC reviewees aren't!

Buhay student! :c

SIGNALS

STOP.. slow down, take a deep breath..
hehe.. ;p excerpts from A Mind of It's Own

anyhoo, i feel like everything's moving way too fast lately. First, our never ending quest for achieving a passing grade in our accounting classes. 2 months to go till graduation, and yeah, we are now feeling all the pressures there are for an accountancy student. We are attached to our calculators! haha! Seriously, we are. For the start of 2008, i have yet a total of ZERO night outs! Sacrifices! Everything about my academic life, stresses me out!

READY.. get ready to explode! haha.. ;p
i'm just soo happy, that most of the queries and speculations i've been having since last year have already revealed themselves to me.. :]

thanks to my ever clever tactics and my intuition.. and of course, a little snooping around here and there, i've uncovered some of the greatest mysteries around me, greater than national treasure's book of secrets! haha.. but like most mysteries, they have to be kept secret.. and please don't ask me anything, coz my answer would either be.."no, i won't tell" or "yes, i won't tell"...haha! just trust ur intuitions, and i guess u guys are already smart enough to figure out the signs.. hehehe.. let's just see if they unveil themselves to u.. that is if ur lucky.. haha... ;p

GO.. if you want to! :]
hehe.. aie basta.. i'm having the grandest time every time we talk... and i don't know how long that will last.. :] weeeee... hehehe.. :]

thank u imaginary friend! :] hehehe... :]

VIEWING PLEASURE

I was gonna post an entry but i scrapped it coz a certain someone might read it! wahaha.. total waste of time.. it was something bout giving advises, to be exact things bout love.. it's kinda weird coz i haven't experienced being romantically reciprocated by my crushes.. oh well, thats life! haha.. ;]

To start with, i have been quite the t.v. junkie over the holidays, coz aside from going out to shop or to have get together's with family and friends, i'm stuck at home doing nothing but bum. My holidays have been really boring over the past years, maybe because i've gotten over my childish pleasures or coz my cousins rarely visit us anymore for the holidays. Going back to being a t.v. junkie, i am really disappointed with our cable provider, Skycable! Without the Solar channels, most especially ETC and JACK TV, watching television's not fun anymore! huhu! They replaced it with VELVET which i can't really appreciate coz it's shows are kinda fit for semi-old/mature viewers, unlike ETC which really caters to young, hip and vibrant audiences (including moi! hahaha). Well, they have ANTM, but it's still on its 1st cycle.. grrr! ANTM currently at its 9th cycle na! for heaven's sake!

What's even worst! JON's out of PBB na! huhuhuhu!!! my only reason for watching the show's because of him.. and now, he's force evicted! how depressing! ;c

Anyways, i've been given an offer to be a reporter for some channel here to feature the Sinulog Mardigras '08! I'm weighing things out pa, coz it might affect my studies, pero in a way, i'm kinda hoping that i'd be a part of it, just for the experience, getting around the mardigras easily and the extra compensation wouldn't hurt as well! hahaha.. ;p But seriously, opportunities like these aren't given out like candy.. so i might as well grab it. It's not yet a sure deal, but i hope i'm in! (crossing fingers!)

omg! i'll make this quick chika.. haha! i've been lonely pala for the past couple of days, coz i've gotten used to having him around.. we'll not physically.. but by every other means, text, call, ym.. ahahaha! that's all.. bow! haha.. wala lang.. i miss talking to u lang, huever u r.. hahaha.. :]

i'm gonna get some rest na, overthinking things na naman... ;p