HE'S NOT SORRY

It's over. I broke up with him.
He was just not worth keeping.

Regrets, yes, i have them. I thought that maybe it was partly my fault. I decided to be in a relationship a little too soon. He liked me, I liked him, and we both just clicked. Maybe I got so consumed with the feeling of finally having someone to call mine that I just didn't mind to get to know him a little more. He just decided for the both of us to be in that relationship, and stupid me obliged.

Days passed, and we both hung out and I got to know more of him. He was funny, simple, super sweet but extremely 'baduy'. I mean come on, let's face it. When you take a guy out on a karaoke joint, and asks you to sing... "Natutulog Ba Ang Diyos" with conviction, how can that not wreak of absolute 'baduyness'?! Let's just say that if he was some other random guy, maybe it would've felt really awkward to be with someone who's completely my polar opposite. But no, I completely tolerated his 'baduyness'. Haha! Another thing which bothered me was, he was quite the PDA kind of guy. As what he told me, he wanted to let people around us know that we were an item and I am just not used to such public display of affection. Like for example, he steals kisses 'on the lips' every now and then even when we're in an extremely crowded place and it kinda worried me for the reason that some 'people', like friends of my parents or relatives might see us and report! That would mean only one thing, forced eviction!

Well anyways, considering those, I still liked him. I still wanted to be in what seemed to be an instant relationship. But of course, doubts started kicking in. Call me paranoid, but after awhile, after it sunk in that I was already taken, I felt like I needed some assurance. Assurance that we were both in this together, that noone else can come into the picture and ruin it. And I just didn't get it from him. I asked him lots of times, if I was the only one, and he tells me the same thing, that I was the only one, that he loves me, and blah blah blah. I tried to take his word but I just felt something was absolutely wrong. I asked my friends if I was being overly dramatic about it, to the point of being paranoid. Some agreed and told me to stop asking him for assurance, that maybe I was just adjusting to it. Some warned me to be careful, that a lot of guys just can't be trusted anymore, but I should just give it some time and see where it goes. And I followed the latter advice.

And so I gave it some time, and what convinced me even more was that when I was browsing channels on cable, I caught up with this movie on HBO and one character from that movie spoke something about not giving up easily on love. Argh! Talk about major false 'sign'. Well anyways, so still I didn't give up on us but I just knew that this time around I should not let my guard down and be cautious.

Days afterward, he and I were not seeing each other anymore, not because of this issue, but because both of us were busy (at least that was what he told me). He was trying to look for work while I was busy with my review. I did exert extra effort, I called him up just to know if he's doing fine, ask him how he was doing, tell him I love him, blah blah blah. For awhile, I thought we were alright, but days gone and still we did not see each other. Another thing, for those days, I felt like I was the only one reaching out to him. Then the day came when we were supposed to see each other, he was even the one who set the time and place. I remember that night pretty well, it was Earth Hour night, we we're supposed to meet up on the same place where we first met, but to my dismay, he didn't show up! I called him up and all he could say was that he got tired and just woke up at guess what, 6pm! I got so frustrated and what got me mad most was he wasn't even sorry about it.

And so, that started the downfall for us. I forgave him for that, and yes, I didn't let go. I held on to whatever it was I thought I could still save. But still, he made no effort and so one day I confronted him on the phone. I just blurted out all there was to tell him, what I felt, what's been bothering me, what's the real score. And then it just came out, I told him that if he has somebody else, let's just end this and get things over with, and he just replied 'sorry po'. That was the last draw! He was sorry he had an affair. He was sorry for being such a lying, cheating, son of a gun! And that was it, as calmly as I could, I told him to take care.

I just knew from the start he was inconsistent, as what I kept telling my friends whenever they ask me about him. But the thing was, I held on to someone not worth my time. Oh well, lesson learned. I'm just so happy that I know, I'm not the one at fault here. He chose to go that direction and now, honestly, I really don't care.

So to all you parasite b*tches out there, you can go ahead and feed on my leftover. And to my friends, feel free to punch, kick, stab him the moment you see him around. Haha! Kiddin'! But if you still want to do it, I really won't give a damn! hahaha!

This is just me, saying I'm not on the losing end here. So if he thinks he got the upper hand, he should guess again! Because I assure him, that by the moment we see each other again, I will absolutely make sure that he will feel completely out of my league. Take that 'BHE'!

REUNION OF SORTS

Been idle from blogging lately... I just can't conjure something interesting from my life lately. Seems like, I've been too busy with our on-going review, plus I needed to help our party out for the school elections.

With that being said, I'll just post snippets of what has been pretty much keeping me sane from my review for the past months.. :]



First up's Gilly's quick visit to Cebu from Singapore. She's kept it a secret from us for quite sometime that she's already been working in Singapore and for the longest time we've been missing each other. Unfortunately, the reason she came back was far from great news. So we did what we could to cheer her up. Dayday, Raye and I met up with her in Ayala for lunch and we shared a few laughs because Dayday's secrets unfolded c/o Dylan's e-mail.. haha! I wish we could've stayed longer though.. but Gilly had to prepare for her flight back. Well, anyways that was it. I wish to see my dearest friend again.



A few days after, Daphne came back to Cebu from China. She's been studying in China for almost a year now, and she's back for a couple of weeks of vacay. So, our group (my super solid college barkada) decided to meet up with her for dinner. The group was without Dali and Acee though, they're in Manila for work. Tsk. And the night went okay until the never ending Nykke-KJon drama started. We were terribly worried of Nykke who we barely could hear over the fone, crying, while we were having our dinner. Everything just calmed down after Nykke told us she's heading home. Tsk. So the night went on minus two people. We were also planning on an island hopping trip but our schedules are terribly conflicting. Tsk. Daph won't be back for quite sometime again. But hey, there's the internet.. hehe.. ;]



And finally, the last balik-bayan on the list, is non other than Sister Amy Lou. Yes, she's finally a nun now. We haven't seen her since our third year of college, after she went to Peru for her 'calling'. And I was just as excited as the rest of our classmates are in meeting her. We met up with her in Ayala, where we had our dinner together. I had so much fun! We we're constantly laughing because Aldrich was there and the rest of my block C barkada! And Amylou was just as good-natured as always. We had such a great time catching up on lost time but sister had to go early. Curfew.. sheesh! Well anyways, I'm guessing she's now praying for Aldrich's soul to go to the light! haha! kidding Drich! :]

That wraps up my reunion of sorts with my balik-bayan friends, college edition. haha! Till next time guys. Ta-tah! :]

MONARCLAMBS.MULTIPLY.COM

Why MonarC Lambs? Well, MonarC is taken from Mariah's record label under Island Records with its sole 2002 release "Charmbracelet." The name comes from Mariah's well-documented fascination with butterflies. The ceative capitalization emphasizes Carey's initials. And need I say more about "Lambs?" Of course, "lambs" refer to the Mariah Carey fans around the world.

MonarC Lambs aims to unite all Mariah Carey fans specifically in Cebu Philippines, the Visayas regional provinces and all over the world as well. It engages its members in contests, chats and other recreational activities, such as album release parties. Also, MonarC Lambs aims to promote Mariah Carey's music to its locality.

Interested in joining MonarC Lambs? You can sign sign up here.

I'M DONE PRETENDING

It was good while it lasted. I never thought he had an expiry tag attached. All I knew was, he made me so happy after the time when I thought I've lost myself.

Yes. I must admit i have been very vulnerable. I've been seeing quite a number of people. I've slithered away from my usual comfort zone and ventured to doing things a lot of friends presume i do, but don't. I started casually meeting people, you may call them dates but for me those were just random acquaintances. Just nothing serious. I just thought it was about time for me to start doing so. I just felt like I've confined myself for so long. I may have been a little impatient too. Though I've always believed someone out there's the right person for me, I felt the pressure that I needed to have someone special around. It prompted me to start exploring the possibilities but I just didn't know where to start and maybe got lost. So I guess i ended up looking for love in all the wrong places.

And then we found each other. Though he lives in Manila, it felt surreally like that of Jon McLaughlin's song "so far, we are.. so close". If anyone made me believe in love once more, it was him. He saved me from myself, from what i been placing myself into before he came. He made me realize that putting myself out for grabs by just some random guys was not what I really wanted. He was different from the rest. He wanted to protect me from people who'd pry at the slightest chance of weakness to exploit me.

He was not the kind of person, who was there to greet you morning noon and night. He'd give me just the right amount of compliments. He was really honest, sincere and open about everything. It was not hard for me to trust him.

From the start, he told me that he was with someone else but they we're currently in a very very rocky situation. And I told him, I didn't want to be dragged into their mess and he assured me that I won't. He even made the decency to ask me if i wanted some space, but I declined and told him we're okay. Maybe that was my mistake. I allowed myself to get too attached. But still, when you're in the situation, i think it would be really hard to resist something that makes you really really happy because he did give me that. I was high with happiness because of him.

I'd be crazy to say if we didn't have minor arguments. In fact, he even made me cry, because he once placed his anger on me one night when he had problems during that time. But he quickly turned everything around and made it all okay. That was the night when I told him I didn't want to lose him. And he told me I won't. But now, I just can't believe he left me singing another sad love song.

It got me thinking, do we really learn from our past mistakes, or are just hardheaded? I mean, we keep telling ourselves that we're not doing it anymore, but we keep falling for the same excuses, the same promises, the same damn lies. It really pains me, it been tearing my heart down for the past days that we've stop communicating. He left me just like that, without any explanations. We just stopped. What a way to start the new year huh? Broken-hearted.

Part of me want some answers from him. Was there a line I crossed? Was it something I said or didn't say? I just don't really know if it's me or him. I just don't know how it all became like this. I think I just need to be patient and just let everything pass. I need to stop pretending he must have a good explanation why all a sudden, this. Tsk. I have to get over it and just guess that he chose to blow it all out and watch everything fade. I just wished he told me earlier that he didn't want to love me.

I knew, he was just too good to be true. So now, i'm still going nowhere.
LOVE is HARD.

THINKING OF YOU

MY FAVORITE KATY PERRY TRACK SO FAR!
GLAD SHE MADE ANOTHER VIDEO OF THIS SONG!

I CAN HONESTLY SAY...
'ONE OF THE BOYS' IS MY FAVE 2008 ALBUM

I CAN HONESTLY SAY

Consider this my farewell blog, to everything, to you.

I can honestly say that for the longest time, you held a very special place in my heart. And i feel really sad, that i had to end something as special as you. It's not because, you've hurt me or anything. More of it's my fault. I became so attached to you. So i can't blame you, cause you never asked for anything more in the first place.

I kept thinking on the possibilities. But who was i kidding? Nothing more was going to happen. But i was persistent. I knew, at the back of my mind, there was no chance.. but still i held on a little piece of hope everytime we get to talk. Maybe i was expecting too much. It went on like that for quite sometime. I did try to divert my attention, but none worked.

And so, still i managed to avoid you every so often, until the feeling slowly died down. Honestly, I thought you've been avoiding me too.. hehe. Busy. Changed fone. Changed number. Those were always the reasons you kept telling me. Duh, i get it! Even if that's true, still, time's not that constrained to just work and school. Maybe i just didn't mean anything at all to you.. hehe. I just don't know. But it sure helped, I felt like for the past couple of months, the person i once knew slowly faded out into someone i don't know at all. Everything about you's been really difficult.

So i thought that if i don't see you pop out more often, maybe i'd forget. I was left thinking with that one last option.. to totally rid you out of my life. Erase every means for us to communicate. And so i started deleting. Started with your messages, then your number, then on ym, and finally here. I kept on second guessing on erasing you, cause even if it became like this, there were many times we've shared happy.. good laughs and being open bout each other. But then again i thought that this cycle just had to stop and so the hardest click i made on our pc's mouse happened last nyt 11:00pm to be exact.

Don't get mad at me please. I wanted to tell you this alot of times before but i just wasn't able to find the right timing. Anyways, I'm still your friend if you still want me to. I just want to clear myself from all the hurt, so there'd be enough space for me to breathe.

I wrote this blog entry (italized below) weeks ago. I was supposed to publish this, but it just didn't feel like the right time. But now, i'm ready to take whatever reaction i'd get from you.

By the time you'll get to read this, i know that i've finally found peace, in a comfortable place without you. So this last time, i would like to be completely honest with you.

I MISS YOU.. MORE THAN YOU OR ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW.
there's so much in you, that i've grown so fond with..

i miss how you share snippets of your life through photosharing..
i miss SEX the acronym..
i miss how you used to ask me for advises and share with me how you were feeling..
i miss how you kept telling me i was and will only be your out friend..
i miss how you used to call and the background was always noisy cause your brother was playing music..
i miss how we used to share music..
i miss how we talk nonsense for hours and joke around..
i miss how we used to call ourselves JON & MARIEL.. hehe
i miss how we planned our weddings.. palawan with the purple and black motif.. haha
i miss how you used to be so sweet and caring..
i miss how you used to assume that i missed you, when the fact is i really do
i miss the times you kept on asking me if i was already in love with you.. and i never gave you a decent answer..
i miss how you kept on calling me 'pre' even when i didn't like it..

there's so much more i miss about you.. bottomline is.. I MISS YOU.
i'm sorry if i became like this.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME.. :]

THE STORY SO FAR

It was about a year ago.
Do you remember how we first knew each other?

From the moment i saw your photo on my friend's fone, i was already attracted to you. I asked my friend if i could talk to you or at least text you. It was funny, cause all of us in the group at that time went into a frenzy when they started dialing your number using my fone. Eventually you answered, and i was too shy to talk to you, so i handed my fone to our common friend and she introduced me to you. That was it. I was able to say my demurest 'hi'. We had a very very short conversation and after that i never really expected to hear anything from you.

That afternoon, while my friends and I went on our separate ways, I remember I was in ayala at that time when you shocked me with a text. You said you wanted to get to know me better and asked for my ym id. I obliged, who wouldn't, right? I remember rushing home, well not really rushing, but i went home early from the mall to check on my ym. And you added me alright. That was the time when you and i started gaining trust from each other. I was being my usual humorous self and you were not bad at being funny yourself. I remember pretty well, you kept on saying 'ewww' on the silly jokes we've made. We even exchanged pictures and you trusted me well enough, that you allowed me to view pictures of you cross-dressing for a school related event. It was then you told me, i am the only 'out' friend that you have and you said that I will be the only one.

One, two, days gone by and you were frequently calling me on my fone and you opened up on personal matters. You even cried one time, remember? That time, i never really allowed my feelings to take over. I constantly told myself never to fall. I knew you were straight, you kept on affirming that you are plus you have your girlfriend. So i never really entertained thoughts of us together. I was trying to be a good friend and tried not to interfere with anything aside from helping you and your relationship get on the right track.

I was there though it all. You kept on trying to fix your relationship, but it just wasn't working till you finally got the strength to move on. For some people, it was an opportunity to turn things around to their advantage, but not me. I just kept on being the friend that i was. Our conversations had no more 'ewwws', and everything began to turn sweet. It was then that i realized that my feelings elevated into something both of us didn't want. You made it hard for me to avoid falling for you. So there.

Weeks, months passed. Then things started to get complicated. We already had short arguments, but it didn't really matter cause you always tried to make me feel all better. It frustrates me that you seem to have your way with me. Then doubts, questions, started sprouting. I started over-thinking again. You started to confuse me. There were times when i thought i'd finally get over you. But i don't know, you're just too hard to resist.

If i could count the times you've hurt me, it won't really matter, cause fact is, you've made me so happy more than sad. I never really told you anything about this. I know you've asked me countless number of times if i was falling for you, but never did i give you a decent answer. I just couldn't. I'm not yet ready to take the risk. I'm too afraid of losing you. Actually, i prepared something, my kind of tell-all to you, i'm just waiting for the right opportunity to give it to you.

What about now?
I still don't know what to think. I know you are already happy with and without me. We could have seen each other, when you came here, twice. But time didn't allow that to happen. Maybe that's just how it's going to be. I don't know if there are still chances for us to ever meet again. I'm not hoping anymore like i used to. I just need to stop hoping and think about myself for a change.

I need to get myself back together.