I'M DONE PRETENDING

It was good while it lasted. I never thought he had an expiry tag attached. All I knew was, he made me so happy after the time when I thought I've lost myself.

Yes. I must admit i have been very vulnerable. I've been seeing quite a number of people. I've slithered away from my usual comfort zone and ventured to doing things a lot of friends presume i do, but don't. I started casually meeting people, you may call them dates but for me those were just random acquaintances. Just nothing serious. I just thought it was about time for me to start doing so. I just felt like I've confined myself for so long. I may have been a little impatient too. Though I've always believed someone out there's the right person for me, I felt the pressure that I needed to have someone special around. It prompted me to start exploring the possibilities but I just didn't know where to start and maybe got lost. So I guess i ended up looking for love in all the wrong places.

And then we found each other. Though he lives in Manila, it felt surreally like that of Jon McLaughlin's song "so far, we are.. so close". If anyone made me believe in love once more, it was him. He saved me from myself, from what i been placing myself into before he came. He made me realize that putting myself out for grabs by just some random guys was not what I really wanted. He was different from the rest. He wanted to protect me from people who'd pry at the slightest chance of weakness to exploit me.

He was not the kind of person, who was there to greet you morning noon and night. He'd give me just the right amount of compliments. He was really honest, sincere and open about everything. It was not hard for me to trust him.

From the start, he told me that he was with someone else but they we're currently in a very very rocky situation. And I told him, I didn't want to be dragged into their mess and he assured me that I won't. He even made the decency to ask me if i wanted some space, but I declined and told him we're okay. Maybe that was my mistake. I allowed myself to get too attached. But still, when you're in the situation, i think it would be really hard to resist something that makes you really really happy because he did give me that. I was high with happiness because of him.

I'd be crazy to say if we didn't have minor arguments. In fact, he even made me cry, because he once placed his anger on me one night when he had problems during that time. But he quickly turned everything around and made it all okay. That was the night when I told him I didn't want to lose him. And he told me I won't. But now, I just can't believe he left me singing another sad love song.

It got me thinking, do we really learn from our past mistakes, or are just hardheaded? I mean, we keep telling ourselves that we're not doing it anymore, but we keep falling for the same excuses, the same promises, the same damn lies. It really pains me, it been tearing my heart down for the past days that we've stop communicating. He left me just like that, without any explanations. We just stopped. What a way to start the new year huh? Broken-hearted.

Part of me want some answers from him. Was there a line I crossed? Was it something I said or didn't say? I just don't really know if it's me or him. I just don't know how it all became like this. I think I just need to be patient and just let everything pass. I need to stop pretending he must have a good explanation why all a sudden, this. Tsk. I have to get over it and just guess that he chose to blow it all out and watch everything fade. I just wished he told me earlier that he didn't want to love me.

I knew, he was just too good to be true. So now, i'm still going nowhere.
LOVE is HARD.