MINNE

“I love you”, I uttered to him on our last fone conversation.. and he replied jokingly “I hate you”. I never thought, that would be the last time for us to talk. His “I hate you” still resonates in my thoughts, reminding me how awful our last conversation have been. An awful ending. I just never expected our fallout would be this bad.

Was it my fault? Maybe. To be honest, I was insecure. Insecure for a lot of reasons. One, physically, i was not there for him. Second, he still keeps in touch with his friend who he courted way back.

Was I overprotective? Was I possessive? Am I paranoid? Maybe. All I really wanted was assurance from him. Assurance that he’d continue to be loyal to me. It’s just that everytime we talk, I feel like I don’t get that from him. Even if he tells me that that particular person whom he courted is already in a relationship with someone else, I still can’t rely 100% on his word.

Is it that hard to trust? I don’t think so. In his case, it was difficult. Difficult because, lately he’s been giving me a lot of reasons to doubt if he was really true on his word. I can name all the petty things we’ve argued out of my jealousy but I think this one simple thing is valid enough to make me justify my jealousy.

I told him over and over again, that when it was time for us to talk, it’ll be only us and nothing else. On my part, I tried my best to pass out on things I loved doing, watching, playing, everytime we talk. I focused myself on him, on talking to him, on trying to make things work for us. On his part, I just hear the clicks and clacks from his keyboard and right then and there assume he was chatting with someone else. “Nagpapaturo lang ng farmtown”, he says. I mean, c’mon! Can’t he just put that aside for awhile and let that person wait till we’re done talking?!

It just annoys me. And what annoys me more, is that he is inconsistent. First he tells me his boss wants him to be his personal farmtown guru, then the next thing I knew, it was Andrew, the guy whom he courted, who was asking him to teach farmtown. P*tang Ina! Farmtown is not that hard to learn!!! What is he? STUPID? We’ll I’m not! It’s just sooo frickin’ wrong!

Now tell me, am I still wrong for feeling that way?

That night, on our last conversation. I told him to stop talking to me, not until he finish chatting with whoever it was he was chatting and he just said okay and dropped the call. He chose not to talk to me. After the call ended, I waited. I waited for him to call back, but he never did. It just stabbed me hard in the chest.

I waited and waited for a day till I couldn’t wait no more. I didn’t let my pride eat me up and be consumed by regrets. And so, I asked for his forgiveness. I told him two simple words, “I’m Sorry” and I got for a response two letters “NP”. He wasn’t even sorry for anything. That just did it for me. It left me wanting to shout, to curse, to throw something. I just needed an outlet to let my anger out. I was that simple for him to let go. Congratulations!

In a way, I feel blessed. This might be bitterness talking, but at the end of the day, I’m just thankful I didn’t end up with an insensitive person who is not true to his words.

I’m tired. As a Jennifer Love Hewitt’s song goes, “I’m getting jaded. No, I just can’t take it anymore!” Letting go, gave me two options, those were either a broken heart or being saved. This time around, I feel saved.

To Minne: I really did love you.