Finally

I had a dream a few days ago and it involved you. We were holding hands. You know, the kind that lovers do. As soon as I woke up, I reminded myself that it was only a dream. And I was okay.

So then I saw you on Facebook the following day after the longest time, and decided to add you up. Because, I knew I wouldn’t feel the same way I did for you anymore. And true as it may, after you added me up, it never did felt the same.

And then today, a few days after the dream, days after us reconnecting online, I saw you at the Church. And I was like “Dear Lord.. agad agad???" Haha. The heavens must have been conspiring for this day to happen.

From afar, I knew it was you. You were looking at me, and I just knew it had to be you. Inevitable flashbacks happened. That night. That kiss. I wouldn’t really forget. But it was just that. Nothing more. And so I prayed and lifted up all the worries I had to Him. I stood my ground today and mustered enough courage to smile at you and say “Hi". And you smiled back. And we both went our separate ways.

I have been writing a lot from way back, all involving you. But I never really got to finish all of them. Now I think I know why, maybe because that time, I wasn’t really sure how to write how to end them. Now its all so clear. It feels so clear. Finally.

FOR THE RECORD

I've never really opened up to everyone about this. Only to some of my closest friends. Some don't even know the slightest thing about how things went between me and him, since I never really wanted to talk about it. I have avoided making the break-up a really big issue because there were just things that i want to remain private. But I've just noticed that eversince, this break-up have never been silenced. People still ask me how we are right now, are we in good terms or not, people still tease me at the mention of his name, or place where he's from.

I mean, I've gotten over it, over him. So for the record, this is to explain everything (my side of the story), to formally end what has ended more than 6 mos. ago.

It was just ironic how during the last time we saw each other, he never wanted me to say 'goodbye' for the reason that we'd find ourselves in each others arms sometime soon. I guess I should've just blurted out that word, it wouldn't have made any difference anyway.

A lot of my friends, and (his friends, maybe) felt like we we're bound to burn out. I myself felt like I had it coming a month earlier before we broke up, but I just never knew a simple misunderstanding could end something I thought, knew and felt was beautiful. And what's quite sad is that, up until now, to be completely honest I never really had any idea why he just gave up. He told me he needed time to find himself, he owned up to his mistakes and said other things which sounded like a subtle way of saying that "it's not you, it's me" crap. There was no clarity as to whether we were just gonna cool off, or really end things. He never replied to any of my messages from then on, avoided conversations, and I was helplessly hoping he'd come around, but I never got an answer. So the silence just prompted me to assume he wanted out. And that was it. No closure whatsoever, just assumptions.

But now, I have already given up on trying to find out why. Because I've tried, and it left me hoping that we can still try and fix things. I've done my fair share of reaching out, but it seemed like nothing I did could at least get back the friendship we once started.

I can't deny that I still remember being so in love with him. Words just can't describe how much I loved him. For that period of time, he owned my heart. And as devastated as I was after we broke up, there was nothing else to do but move on.

And so, I have deleted and removed every means of contacting him. All of his messages, the countless i love yous, and the message that made me fall for him. FB, twitter, CP number (unintentionally because my ancient cellfone with it's stored memory died.. hehe), all gone. I guess, it's for the best.

Now that everything's been said and done. I just wish I wont forget most if not everything that I've learned from all the things I have gone through with him.

"No regrets, just LOVE".

ON OUR 2ND

We are about to mark our second month of forever.

FOREVER. A friend told me once that it's crazy to dream of having forever with the person you're in a relationship with. I begged to differ. Yes, I believe that each one of us deserve our fairytale endings, our happy ever afters. I'm a sap. I hold on to the slightest chance of being eternally happy with that right person. The problem is, how can you tell if that person is the one for you?

Well, for me, we can't. But, we can always try to be that perfect someone. Right?
I mean, we don't necessarily have to be literally perfect, that would be totally ridiculous and untrue. But we can always try to be sincere, be there for that person when he's down for the time being, when he's tired, stressed out, alone. We can always stay loyal, patient and understanding. We can always make that person feel like he's the only guy who holds your heart.

Well anyways, that's just how i see things. And that what I want things to be between us. I don't expect him to be the same for me but that's who I want to be for him.

Call me crazy, martyr, trying too hard, but that's me when in love. I try my best to make things work, even if the whole world will continue saying how things just couldn't work between us. I will still be that person who'll never quit and back down without fighting for that someone worth my heart. I will always be that someone who'll never tire of going the extra mile just to make that person happy.

Sometimes, though, things become painful. Extremely painful. When you feel like all your efforts are underappreciated and you're misunderstood at times. When you do the slightest mistake and he gets mad at you and not talk to you for an entire day. Sakit. When you feel like things are just not the same as it was back when things were fresh and both of you just can't get enough of each other. Hehe. I can just smile at the thought of how things used to be.

And then there are fears. I fear that anytime, he can just leave me. That anytime, he can just take me for granted and leave me for someone else. I fear that I just love him too much.

But then again, I realized that I love him too much just too walk away from the love beacuse of the pain and the fears. I know that those are just part of being in the relationship. All I need to do, is to remind myself of the reasons why I'm doing all of this for him. To remind myself of all the things that makes me happy when I am with him.


Just those three words. Everytime he says 'I love you', I just melt. The thing is, everytime he tells me those three beautiful words, I believe him. I leave no room for doubts just love. “The little things you do to me are taking over” I want to let him know how happy he makes me. I just love how he reminds me to eat to my heart’s content, to sleep early so I can get plenty of rest to cope with stress from work. How he tells me to constantly take care of myself. He makes me feel special, tells me I’m his favorite, that he’s proud of me, that he loves me very much. I can go on but if I will, I might not be able to finish this blog entry. Bottomline is, he's the one who keeps me at my happiest.

Goi, you make me happy.. and I love you so much for it.

I must admit, this hasn't been easy for the two of us. But like you always tell me, we have to be strong. I will forever hold on to what we have.

Knowing you was, is and always will be the best thing that happened in my life so far. I love you Goi.

LAST

So here I go again, writing on the only place my heart feels solace.

I wrote this a day after the last time we’ve met and I intended to tell you this personally. I was just trying to muster up enough courage but it’s crazy how short of a time things can change. And at this point, I don’t think telling you this personally will matter. So here goes..

Hei [name]! I feel like I’d lose it if I don’t let this out. Remember when we watched Alice? That time, I really wished I could’ve held your hand but I was just way too shy and afraid at how you may react if I held you. I kept looking at you, because looking at you smiling and happy made me extremely happy as well. It’s just that being with you made me so happy. I never tire of letting you know that because that’s just the way it is and has been for the past few days we’ve spent together. Everything with you feels extremely sweet and special.

I have a secret. I never told you this, but way back when we first knew of each other, when you told me you liked reading the stuff that I wrote, I had this super crush on you. I used to browse over your page and just had this irresistible kilig feeling everytime I saw your photos, especially those chin-up photos. Hehe! You were so easy and nice to converse with plus you can relate to what I was going through with the board exams and all. Maybe, the feeling just elevated into something more after being with you for a couple of days.

I really want to thank you, for all the wonderful memories. From treating me pizza in yellow cab to driving and figuring out which way to go around the city, running around and working out in the gym, watching you mimic dance revo steps (which I found very cute.. hehe), introducing me to your favorite area in Gmall, watching Alice in Red Carpet and going out of your way to stay out late to be with me. Like what you told me, “I could not have spent my time better nor would I have chosen any other person to have spent it with. Promise”.

Well anyways, I know you are just being friendly and you made that clear to me everytime you text and refer to me as your friend. I just needed a dose of reality to finally convince myself that the feeling is not mutual.
…

I left it there. Got overwhelmed by it all I guess.

You know, I just don’t understand how one day everything seemed okay between us, and then the next you suddenly stopped texting and replying to my messages. I wish you’d at least tell me why. I still wish we’d see each other before I leave for Cebu even if that would be the last time for us to meet and talk. I won’t care if it’ll just take 10 or 5 minutes, I just want to see you.

I really miss you.

SHIFTING GEARS

I'm already done with my driving lessons' 2nd session. I have five 2-hour sessions, 3 more to go.

My assessment: I don't enjoy driving! I'm just too stiff and tense. I'm scared that I might bump into someone else's car. So far though, there's been no casualty. Phew. And my ass hurts from all the driving.

Anyways, I have no other choice but to get through this alive. God, help me!

TRUTH OR DARE

10.12.09

I’m never ever playing DARE ever again!

A 6th NYP batchmate of mine, Arnie, visited Cebu for the weekend for a wedding. He texted me last Saturday if we could meet up but since I partied the night away last Friday, I decided to avoid any further ramblings from my parents and stayed at home. Eventually we then decided to finally meet up on a Monday night [which was today] before he leaves for Manila the morning after.

We met at Ayala, and coincidentally Ronah and Borge were there. So they joined us for the night. Had dinner in Dessert Factory and walked around the Terraces till Ronah decided to go home. The three of us on the otherhand decided to go get us some drinks in Mango where we ended up ultimately in Doce.

Ordered this one particular drink contained in a glass pitcher and Arnie then suggested wed play this game of truth or dare. We had to create a criteria, for example, ‘songs by Mariah Carey’, and each one of us have to mention one. The one who blanks out or repeated an answer, loses. Each one of us had a shot glass and losing would mean choosing truth or dare while drinking a shot. From start until the pitcher was empty all we chose was truth. Questions were ALL sex related! Hehe!

Well anyways, since noone chose dare, Borge and Arnie agreed that we continue playing the game 3 times and the loser had no other choice but to accept a dare. I was against it, but I had no choice, I was outnumbered.

1st game, Arnie lost. The dare: Ask the name of the cute foreigner right across our table. Mission Completed in record time, the foreigner’s name was Joel from London.

2nd game, Borge lost. The dare: Ask Joel, if he and his friend were straight, bi, or gay. Mission Completed, they were both straight. Joel then approached our table and asked us if we were all gay. We just laughed. Hehe

3rd game, I lost. The dare: Go to an area in Mango and do a monologue + interaction with the people around. My say, I didn’t want to do it. And so they made another dare: Go to Joel’s table and talk with them for 1 minute. I was panic-stricken! I just didn’t know what to do! It took them a really really really long time to convince me to do the dare but eventually I did it.

“Hi, can I sit down with you guys?”, my introduction line. Their reactions were confused, but they had no choice since I already sat down with them. I then proceeded on asking them a lot of questions, like how long are they staying here in Cebu, where have they gone to, etc. To be honest, though it was quite embarrassing, I had a good chat with Joel and Simon. They were really nice and I never really noticed that our conversation almost ran for 5 minutes already. I was engrossed with conversing with them. Haha! And have i mentioned that Joel was really cute? Hehe!

After we talked though, I went back to our table and was shocked that noone was there! I panicked again and walk out of the scene as if nothing was wrong. Apparently, Borge and Arnie were playing a new game of hide and seek! They showed themselves though after I passed by a couple of tables. Ugh.

The Ending. We walked from Mango to Ramos where Borge bade goodbye, then to Mcdo Jones. Arnie got in a cab and went back to where they were staying. I saw Daven and Te Dax and Krummy in Jollibee and chatted with them for awhile. Finally, went home tipsy.

Moral Lesson: I’m never ever playing DARE ever again!

MINNE

“I love you”, I uttered to him on our last fone conversation.. and he replied jokingly “I hate you”. I never thought, that would be the last time for us to talk. His “I hate you” still resonates in my thoughts, reminding me how awful our last conversation have been. An awful ending. I just never expected our fallout would be this bad.

Was it my fault? Maybe. To be honest, I was insecure. Insecure for a lot of reasons. One, physically, i was not there for him. Second, he still keeps in touch with his friend who he courted way back.

Was I overprotective? Was I possessive? Am I paranoid? Maybe. All I really wanted was assurance from him. Assurance that he’d continue to be loyal to me. It’s just that everytime we talk, I feel like I don’t get that from him. Even if he tells me that that particular person whom he courted is already in a relationship with someone else, I still can’t rely 100% on his word.

Is it that hard to trust? I don’t think so. In his case, it was difficult. Difficult because, lately he’s been giving me a lot of reasons to doubt if he was really true on his word. I can name all the petty things we’ve argued out of my jealousy but I think this one simple thing is valid enough to make me justify my jealousy.

I told him over and over again, that when it was time for us to talk, it’ll be only us and nothing else. On my part, I tried my best to pass out on things I loved doing, watching, playing, everytime we talk. I focused myself on him, on talking to him, on trying to make things work for us. On his part, I just hear the clicks and clacks from his keyboard and right then and there assume he was chatting with someone else. “Nagpapaturo lang ng farmtown”, he says. I mean, c’mon! Can’t he just put that aside for awhile and let that person wait till we’re done talking?!

It just annoys me. And what annoys me more, is that he is inconsistent. First he tells me his boss wants him to be his personal farmtown guru, then the next thing I knew, it was Andrew, the guy whom he courted, who was asking him to teach farmtown. P*tang Ina! Farmtown is not that hard to learn!!! What is he? STUPID? We’ll I’m not! It’s just sooo frickin’ wrong!

Now tell me, am I still wrong for feeling that way?

That night, on our last conversation. I told him to stop talking to me, not until he finish chatting with whoever it was he was chatting and he just said okay and dropped the call. He chose not to talk to me. After the call ended, I waited. I waited for him to call back, but he never did. It just stabbed me hard in the chest.

I waited and waited for a day till I couldn’t wait no more. I didn’t let my pride eat me up and be consumed by regrets. And so, I asked for his forgiveness. I told him two simple words, “I’m Sorry” and I got for a response two letters “NP”. He wasn’t even sorry for anything. That just did it for me. It left me wanting to shout, to curse, to throw something. I just needed an outlet to let my anger out. I was that simple for him to let go. Congratulations!

In a way, I feel blessed. This might be bitterness talking, but at the end of the day, I’m just thankful I didn’t end up with an insensitive person who is not true to his words.

I’m tired. As a Jennifer Love Hewitt’s song goes, “I’m getting jaded. No, I just can’t take it anymore!” Letting go, gave me two options, those were either a broken heart or being saved. This time around, I feel saved.

To Minne: I really did love you.